Post by Admin on Jan 26, 2018 4:29:17 GMT -5
Are you scared of conflict?
Another reason that family and friends of addicts enable them has to do with codependency and people-pleasing, which I see as one and the same. If you are codependent, then you're putting others' needs ahead of your own on a fairly consistent basis. You may have convinced yourself that you're doing this because you're a "nice person" -- and please understand, I'm not suggesting you aren't nice. But the truth is that you may have an ulterior motive for acting this way.
Let me explain...
The real reason codependent people say yes when they really mean no -- squashing down their own needs in the process -- is usually because they are terrified of conflict and will do whatever it takes to avoid it, even when it means they lose their own self-respect in the process. Your need to people-please will have its roots in making sure there are no fights or disagreements -- and this is because you've never really learned how to deal with other people's anger or frustration or disappointment, especially when those are directed at you!
When codependents consistently do this, it can become an addictive behaviour for them -- and if you're giving in to the addict you so dearly love and not setting effective boundaries, you are actually meeting your own needs, not theirs. An addict does NOT need to be allowed to get away with dangerous and disrespectful behavior. What an addict truly needs is firm, healthy boundaries with appropriate, self-respecting consequences attached to them.
And when you finally learn how to handle someone else feeling angry or disappointed with you, you will become emotionally free -- which is a much healthier way to live!
Dare to be uncomfortable
In reality, addicts need their loved ones to make it as uncomfortable as possible for them to remain in their active addiction. If you have an addict in your life, this is actually the most loving thing you can do for them, because it holds them to a higher standard and encourages them to take responsibility for themselves. The more we inappropriately behave as caretakers for people who can -- and should -- be taking care of themselves, the less belief they'll have in their own resiliency and capabilities. The addiction will go on and on, usually just becoming more entrenched over time because addiction is a progressive condition that needs to be halted. In other words, if you love an addict, you need to stop enabling their unhealthy life choices in order to see any meaningful change happen.
And if your addict is abusing mind-altering substances, you need to do this before he or she dies out there.
Of course, the problem is that when you, as a codependent people-pleaser, start setting boundaries and making things uncomfortable for the addict you love, you yourself will become extremely uncomfortable too. We use addictive behaviors of any kind to feel better, to remain comfortable. But as the saying goes, life begins at the end of our comfort zones and, as a loved one, you'll need to be the change you want to see in this situation.
You'll need to love your addict enough to say, "I care about you so much that I'm not willing to support you in your active addiction anymore. I love you so much that it's tearing me apart to watch you continue to hurt yourself like this -- so if you really need to keep doing that, you'll have to do it somewhere else. When you're ready to be in some sort of active recovery, I'll be happy to support you in that."
Not only is this a loving act toward the addict in your life, it is also the most self-respectful stance you can take, because you will no longer allow yourself to be treated abusively.
Letting our addicted loved ones know that we care enough to want a healthier relationship with them is often enough for them to understand that we're not trying to punish them by assertively maintaining our boundaries. It's acceptable and appropriate for us to raise the bar and require more of them -- just as we're requiring more of ourselves.
That is definitely the best way to love the addict in your life.
If you've been enabling an addict -- and I know that many of you are aware that you have been -- please strongly consider changing some of your own dysfunctional behaviors so that you're actually helping instead. The pay-offs of making that change could be amazing!
Another reason that family and friends of addicts enable them has to do with codependency and people-pleasing, which I see as one and the same. If you are codependent, then you're putting others' needs ahead of your own on a fairly consistent basis. You may have convinced yourself that you're doing this because you're a "nice person" -- and please understand, I'm not suggesting you aren't nice. But the truth is that you may have an ulterior motive for acting this way.
Let me explain...
The real reason codependent people say yes when they really mean no -- squashing down their own needs in the process -- is usually because they are terrified of conflict and will do whatever it takes to avoid it, even when it means they lose their own self-respect in the process. Your need to people-please will have its roots in making sure there are no fights or disagreements -- and this is because you've never really learned how to deal with other people's anger or frustration or disappointment, especially when those are directed at you!
When codependents consistently do this, it can become an addictive behaviour for them -- and if you're giving in to the addict you so dearly love and not setting effective boundaries, you are actually meeting your own needs, not theirs. An addict does NOT need to be allowed to get away with dangerous and disrespectful behavior. What an addict truly needs is firm, healthy boundaries with appropriate, self-respecting consequences attached to them.
And when you finally learn how to handle someone else feeling angry or disappointed with you, you will become emotionally free -- which is a much healthier way to live!
Dare to be uncomfortable
In reality, addicts need their loved ones to make it as uncomfortable as possible for them to remain in their active addiction. If you have an addict in your life, this is actually the most loving thing you can do for them, because it holds them to a higher standard and encourages them to take responsibility for themselves. The more we inappropriately behave as caretakers for people who can -- and should -- be taking care of themselves, the less belief they'll have in their own resiliency and capabilities. The addiction will go on and on, usually just becoming more entrenched over time because addiction is a progressive condition that needs to be halted. In other words, if you love an addict, you need to stop enabling their unhealthy life choices in order to see any meaningful change happen.
And if your addict is abusing mind-altering substances, you need to do this before he or she dies out there.
Of course, the problem is that when you, as a codependent people-pleaser, start setting boundaries and making things uncomfortable for the addict you love, you yourself will become extremely uncomfortable too. We use addictive behaviors of any kind to feel better, to remain comfortable. But as the saying goes, life begins at the end of our comfort zones and, as a loved one, you'll need to be the change you want to see in this situation.
You'll need to love your addict enough to say, "I care about you so much that I'm not willing to support you in your active addiction anymore. I love you so much that it's tearing me apart to watch you continue to hurt yourself like this -- so if you really need to keep doing that, you'll have to do it somewhere else. When you're ready to be in some sort of active recovery, I'll be happy to support you in that."
Not only is this a loving act toward the addict in your life, it is also the most self-respectful stance you can take, because you will no longer allow yourself to be treated abusively.
Letting our addicted loved ones know that we care enough to want a healthier relationship with them is often enough for them to understand that we're not trying to punish them by assertively maintaining our boundaries. It's acceptable and appropriate for us to raise the bar and require more of them -- just as we're requiring more of ourselves.
That is definitely the best way to love the addict in your life.
If you've been enabling an addict -- and I know that many of you are aware that you have been -- please strongly consider changing some of your own dysfunctional behaviors so that you're actually helping instead. The pay-offs of making that change could be amazing!